Just tindering – I

I have been on and off Tinder for almost three years now. Three years back when I was working in a start-up that was experimenting on making a mobile chat application, I had downloaded close to 50 different chat applications on the phone to explore their features. Since I was in a relationship then, I didn’t really experiment with this dating app much.

A few months later, I was out of that relationship (Thank God!) and that company (Thank God again!). I deleted most all of those apps but since I was single again and ready to mingle, I actually started using Tinder. The first guy I met off the app was a disaster. I walked out in less than 30 minutes. Details on that in some upcoming post.

The second guy who actually could hold onto a decent conversation seemed much better. Just to be sure that this too wasn’t going to be a complete surprise, I checked how tall he was. Call me shallow but I prefer tall guys. We chatted, met, hit it off and dated for a year. Turned out that he is the love of my life. We aren’t together anymore because well, life! The essence of him remains and I will always belong to him. More details on that as well in upcoming posts.

During that one year, I wasn’t on Tinder. Since I am not an extrovert, I have difficulties in meeting new people. I have a ‘no dating office guys’ policy because if things start to go bad, it gets complicated and then awkward. I have enough experience on that. So Tinder seemed like a good place to meet new people. Hence, much later after we parted, I was on the app again swiping more left than right.

During the time when I wasn’t using the it, Tinder became more to be known as a hook-up app than a dating app. Randomness of such sort never excited me. I need to connect with a person before jumping into bed with him. Chemistry is important. And almost all men I started matching with had zero conversation value. Such a turn off! Those who seemed to be better at the conversation part, steered it towards towards sex within minutes and then came the often ‘I am not looking for anything serious’ or ‘I am here only for casual sex’.

With time and maturity, I have realized that commitment from day one is stupidity. Hell, even I don’t know if I’d be able to keep up with it. Let’s get to know each other first and see how this goes. If it does work out, nothing like it. I guess I am still much behind though in terms of my thought process.

I always have and still hold an interesting conversation and chemistry to be a pre-requisite for sex. However, in my last few interactions on Tinder with several guys, I’ve gotten to know that Sex is now a pre-requisite to even meet for a drink. All the guys have asked me if there is a chance that there would be “something more” to do after drinks. I usually reply with a ‘Let’s see how it goes… can’t promise anything from now’ and bam! End of conversation. No, they don’t unmatch. They just stop chatting. And all I can ask myself is, ‘Am I too prude?’.

(To be continued…)

 

2 AM thoughts

You know when you think life is perfect. You have all the right things in perfect proportions. Nothing less, nothing more. Just right. That was the rock in my life. For me that was perfectly fitted puzzle and the biggest piece of them being my man. He was my anchor, kept me from drifting. I thought why do you need to take care of your rock? It’s strong enough in itself.

Not long before it started turning to sand. It took me a while to realize but I was already late. I clenched my fist but the stronger my grip, the more it started to slip away. Just like sand does. Do you think relationships are but a reflection of mere everyday happenings?

At 29

If 10 years back someone had predicted my life to be the way it is today, I wouldn’t have believed it.

At 19, I was still figuring out what to do with life. Was a few months into college and my first relationship. He was a senior from college and during that time I was confident that he would be the guy I would be spending the rest of my life with. Although he belonged to a different religion, I was pretty confident that I would be able to fight my way through family complications and spend the rest of my life with him. How naive!

Jump cut. 10 years later. Today.

I am not married. Nowhere even close. Not in a relationship. Single. Happy? May be.

Time helps you mature and bad relationships give you perspective. I may not still know what I want but I am pretty sure what I don’t.

Three years back I was in the middle of my longest relationship. While in it, I was planning my marriage to the guy that was due in 8 months from then. I realized how toxic a relationship it was the night the left. It was 2 months before the wedding and it was my parents who broke the news to me. Although I cried momentarily – 3 minutes to be precise, I felt relieved. On a much later thought I felt I would either be filing for divorce or planning a suicide months into it had the wedding happened and we were married. It’s actually surprising now that I think of it because on one hand I was taking that step to marry him but deep within I didn’t have a solid enough reason as to why I was going through with it. I was stupid.

While exploring a dating app a few days later, I met someone interesting. I fell in love with him in a way that made me feel that it was the first time I had ever been in love. It probably was. And while it was great while it lasted, the break-up was such a torture. It panned so much longer than the relationship itself. A year of the oh-so-sweet relationship and a year and a half of the break-up. At the end of it all, I felt I was with a big baby! ‘Love and sex are different for me, baby’, he said, ‘I will always love you. No one can replace you’. We broke up why? Because he wasn’t able to sleep with me. No, I am not the one who deprived him of sex. The long distance did. And he decided to hold that against me and the relationship just wasn’t good enough anymore.

Today at 29, I feel grown up. I may have time but no more have the patience for drama. After work and working out, all I want to do is come home and chill. On most weeknights, I am off to bed by 11 PM and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night for some reason and check on the time, I am ecstatic to find that I have so many more hours of sleep before I have to wake up and head to work again.

After all of this, sometimes I really wonder if I really have the patience for drama in my life?!? Having said that, I’ve always been someone who wanted to belong. I wanted to come home to the idea of someone. Have that one person who I want to dial if I have something super to share. Someone I can share my silences with – someone I can wake up to – someone I can kiss. Someday…soon : )