My musings

‘I have never seen her this jealous’, my friend pointed out about me in our Whatsapp friends group. As much as I have denied to relate with that side of me, I think I have grown to become jealous and insecure (when in a relationship) over the last few years and I wonder why?

Is it just me who feels the need to protect the one I love from the world? Or is it that I am  too damaged from the realization that no man (that I have been with) has ever really felt to fight for me. Rather, make an effort to keep me in his life.

From my first serious relationship (that almost ended up in marriage), I realized that money and a job was of much higher priority to him and the second one taught me that long-distance can work when you are willing to be in an open relationship because when you are not physically available, you are mentally exhausting.

After my last relationship ended almost three years ago, I have been single until recently. In the last couple of years, I was beginning to feel that a marriage or a relationship isn’t for me because I had gotten too comfortable with my freedom and loneliness. Not something I had imagined how my life would turn out when I was 21. I felt like I was flying, but I was only becoming more and more mechanical. I didn’t feel grounded because there wasn’t anyone to make me feel that way.

A relationship keeps me grounded, sane and more human as I would like to call it. My life tends to revolve around it. And only because I have only seen all of mine end, my instincts to nurture and protect it has only become stronger over time.

Paradox (iii)

The sad truth is so many people are in love and may not be together & so many people are together and not in love

Bliss

On a lonely beach, where I would walk the shores while the sun painted the sky pink and the little waves ran and kissed my feet. Indulging in sinful chocolates, I slip into a tub of foam surrounded by sweet smelling candles and rosy petals, mimosa in hand.

Sinking into your arms I close my eyes to bliss. 

A whisper saying “i love you”. A blush. A smile. A tender kiss. 

A night of deep heated passion spend under a moonlit sky while the waves could be heard crashing nearby.

A snuggle and I open my eyes to the morning to see you sleeping peacefully with a smile curved on your lips and I close my eyes again to dreams.

The thing with love is that when you are alone in the middle of such picture postcard moments, you will miss that special someone around you.

I don’t know who you are and where you be, I just know that you belong with me and I am right here waiting for you.

paradox (ii)

And Karma said,

“You will fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you, for not loving someone who did”

Paradox (i)

“And perhaps the most beautiful paradox of all is how a human soul is heartbreakingly fragile and unbreakably strong at the same time”

At 29

If 10 years back someone had predicted my life to be the way it is today, I wouldn’t have believed it.

At 19, I was still figuring out what to do with life. Was a few months into college and my first relationship. He was a senior from college and during that time I was confident that he would be the guy I would be spending the rest of my life with. Although he belonged to a different religion, I was pretty confident that I would be able to fight my way through family complications and spend the rest of my life with him. How naive!

Jump cut. 10 years later. Today.

I am not married. Nowhere even close. Not in a relationship. Single. Happy? May be.

Time helps you mature and bad relationships give you perspective. I may not still know what I want but I am pretty sure what I don’t.

Three years back I was in the middle of my longest relationship. While in it, I was planning my marriage to the guy that was due in 8 months from then. I realized how toxic a relationship it was the night he left. It was 2 months before the wedding and it was my parents who broke the news to me. Although I cried momentarily – 30 seconds to be precise, I felt relieved. On a much later thought I felt I would either be filing for divorce or planning suicide months into it had the wedding happened and we were married. It’s actually surprising now that I think of it because on one hand I was taking that step to marry him but deep within I didn’t have a solid enough reason as to why I was going through with it. I was stupid.

While exploring a dating app a few days later, I met someone interesting. I fell in love with him in a way that made me feel that it was the first time I had ever been in love. It probably was. And while it was great while it lasted, the break-up was such a torture. It panned so much longer than the relationship itself. A year of the oh-so-sweet relationship and a year and a half of the break-up. At the end of it all, I felt I was with a big baby! ‘Love and sex are different for me, baby’, he said, ‘I will always love you. No one can replace you’. We broke up why? Because he wasn’t able to sleep with me. No, I am not the one who deprived him of sex. The long distance did. And he decided to hold that against me and the relationship just wasn’t good enough anymore.

Today at 29, I feel grown up. I may have time but no more have the patience for drama. After work and working out, all I want to do is come home and chill. On most weeknights, I am off to bed by 11 PM and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night for some reason and check on the time, I am ecstatic to find that I have so many more hours of sleep before I have to wake up and head to work again.

After all of this, sometimes I really wonder if I really have the patience for drama in my life?!? Having said that, I’ve always been someone who wanted to belong. I wanted to come home to the idea of someone. Have that one person who I want to dial if I have something super to share. Someone I can share my silences with – someone I can wake up to – someone I can kiss. Someday…soon : )